so it's 5 am

which means it's 5 hours past Christmas day. slowly my family, and i'm sure along with everyone else, will begin the tedious chore of putting down the lights and cleaning up the living room from its tree, ornaments, and tinsel. it's amazing how early we begin to prepare for the holidays (right after thanksgiving), yet how quick we put these things away when Christmas day is over. but, does Christmas reside behind all these pretty, shiny things? no, it certainly does not. while the Christmas tree with its ornate decorations live for only a short time, the birth of Christ and what it will bring forth continues to live on and linger in the midst of us all. 

this Christmas season was a bit different for me. i went to my family's church for Christmas service and it moved me. it moved me to see so many of God's children praising and lifting His name, it moved me to be gracious in Christ' birth which will ultimately lead to His sacrificial death, it moved me listening to every word spoken from the pastor... this Christmas season moved me. 

if only everyone saw the significance behind this season, right?

Happy Birthday Jesus and thank You, Lord for this perfect gift.

 

the love of my life, cutiepie gma looking for and opening her gift:

 

meadow

wrote this piece a while back, but thought it can have its encore here. 

so here it is:

life is painted with colors that soak our every moment.

colors that vibrantly shine but begin to fade away as time chips its paint,

and drowns it in colors of pain, emptiness, and loneliness. 

but somehow, even in this season of darkness, a light shines through.

a light far greater and with a grace far unexplainable: grace's amazing hands. 

hands that hold and embrace, hands that gently strums,

hands that intertwine and mend the broken hearts,

hands that will walk you through.

homely recap

sophomore's fall semester has come to a close. finally. this semester has been the toughest and roughest semester ever. i feel like i've been stretched in so many directions that i don't know where to begin- spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically...

spiritually: God has been really testing and stretching to see where i firmly stood in my relationship with Him. He has been, indeed, testing what i've learned for the past year and i do confess, it's been no fun or easy ride. it's been hard and dry at times. but, of course, He pulled me through. these past few months have been a good learning experience: learned to really understand what hungering for Him and the Word is, learned to really appreciate the spiritual gifts God has given, learned to really follow through with faith, learned to really break apart my pride, learned to really understand what it means to be a Christ follower and cry out for those who don't know Christ, and there's still so much more. so much more. so to keep up with my baby relationship with Christ, i'm committing to read A Hunger for God and reading the Word everyday. gotta keep up with building my love for Him. if not, i'm in the deepest hole ever and the empty, dry feeling ain't that great.

emotionally: it kinda ties in with my spiritual journey of this semester. this semester was the first for some things. first time i felt a certain way and the first time i felt another way. it was so new to me, that i really didn't know how to deal with them. but just like buying new shoes and wearing them, you gotta break into them right? that's how i see it. i'm breaking in to my emotional lockit. i'm not looking to human hands to mend my broken pieces because it just ain't going to hold. gotta go straight to God's crazy glue.

mentally&physically: this semester was a real. drag. if i had to put it into other words or try to put a picture to how i felt i would say: every class was literally holding me by the hand with my two feet dragging behind on the ground. i lost motivation throughout the semester and came across many instances when i wanted to just dropout. how crazy of a thought was that? studying for finals became a huge obstacle for me. i was literally scared out of my pants. two out of four classes, i needed to bank on my finals. the pressure was on and i thank the Lord for being there for me and helping me not hyperventilate. it was a first for me to study alllll night and sleep a total of 6 hours over the span of 5 days. craziness.

but all in all, God definitely pulled me through. do your best and leave God to the rest. that was my motto for the whole week. and He did.
and now, here i am at home just chillin. seeing the family has been wonderful. they welcomed me in like a soft, cushiony pillow i've been waiting to fall on. yeas, it's been real good. during this vacation, i have lots of catching up to do and lots of things to pull through on. sooooo

hallelujah, lock and load!

letting go and moving on

thanksgiving was wonderfully beautiful. this marks the start of a set of holidays to come very soon. hooray.
coming home to my family was a fresh breath of air to my very dulled out face. i hadn't realized how much i missed them. i got to meet up with one of my close friend too and caught up on a lot. we attempted to fill each other in the 3 months we've been separated in a period of 3 hours. it was quite the success. there wasn't any need to try to explain certain things to each other because we just. understood each other. that's what i love about her. about our friendship, out sisterhood. i only wish the other 1/3 of us was here to share in our catching-up talk.
thanksgiving day was a day of nonstop eating, sleeping, eating, watching some tv, sleeping, eating, and some more sleeping. i think i was awake for a legit 6 hours. how insane is that? by the end of the day, i felt like a huge piece of lard. literally. other than that, family time cooking together and just talking was awesome. i only wished i had my camera with me to take pictures. what a loss. yet, thanksgiving isn't really about how good one family's thanksgiving dinner looks. this year's thanksgiving helped me grow to realize how important the concept of family play in my life. and now, i understand why i missed new york so much. it wasn't because it's my home town and all that other junks, but i missed my family's humor, laughter, annoying habits, voices, reassurance, love, and warmth the most.
so how does my title relate to any of what i wrote so far? absolutely nothing because the crux of my blog will begin now. i guess for the past few days i've been back home and on break from everything associated with u of m or ann arbor, i was able to reflect on certain things and areas in my life. and with one of my close relatives passing away yesterday, i am pressed even more with this idea of letting things go and moving on. more like holding things more loosely. i don't know why, but i feel like the theme of my life, at least for this semester, has been about holding things loosely. and yes, i know it's such a christian jargon term to use, but i don't know how else to describe it in other words.
i think after holding onto things loosely, there comes a point in one's life when that thing has to be finally let go. as hard as it seems, letting go is often times the only option. and, i think i've come to this point in my stage of life. although my flesh tells me to hold onto it as long as possible and as tightly as possible, in the coldest form of reality, i can't. and yes, memories are the hardest to put away when they always come back. it's the hardest when you pass by somewhere or something, and the memories that you believed to have put away and locked up comes flooding back so quickly. so quickly.
the only way i can move on is by letting it go. it's a long, hard process but, i'm about ready to do this piece. ok, i'm over and out.

oh and by the way, the last goodnight is an awesome band. go listen to them now. but i mean, if you don't want to, i'm still cool with that too.

i'm reminded again

of why i need to deny myself and die to my greed, my selfishness, my self-consciousness, my desires, my goals, my life... this past week has been a one tough cookie to chew on. let me run that by again, this past semester has been a constant uphill struggle for me. there were times when everything felt like it was crumbling unto itself. crumbling into smaller parts that i, myself, couldn't piece together. this frustrated me. i was overwhelmed, overworked, and overpowered. i am stretched beyond what i could have imagined to be the extent of my stretchability.
i've been learning a lot about the intricacies of relationships and how one person can affect a network of other people. how one person's life can change many other factors in someone else's life. yet, the one person that is affecting me more and more each day... is calling me to be someone lesser than myself, which brings me back to the idea of me dying to myself. but, it's so much easier said than done.
i've been catching myself reminiscing of the past lately. reminiscing of what happened the past few months... and i think it's more of me wanting to go back to how it all used to be. how everything was so- comfortable.
break me in my comfort, let me only be satisfied in running to You. for Your perfection is what continues to break my imperfections.

it's that kind of a week

so here i am. on a saturday night, waiting for my laundry to dry up.
i decided to make this blog because i felt like it'll give me more room and space to jot down things more freely than xanga. therefore, there'll be times when my sentences are runon or the topic of my sentences just change drastically. it's not my fault that my thoughts just hop run and speed that way.
anyways, a lot has happened this past week. first off, election 08. not only was i able to participate in my first ever election, but it also happened to be the most historic on ever. i mean, everrrr. Barak Obama, a black candidate running for president against a candidate with the first ever female vice president, Sarah Palin. how insane is that? change is really happening huh?
speaking of change, i feel as if sometimes, change is happening too fast. so fast that i get caught off guard sometimes and i don't really know how to respond to it. changes in myself, relationships with others, the environment i'm in, and so on. a lot has changed for me for the past few months i have been in school as a sophomore. i'm learning a lot too. maybe a little too much in a short period of time? school and all the other good stuff that goes along with it has been going fine. work has been good too, i've been learning a lot from the grad student periodontics- my days at work are fanning my passion to become a dentist more and more each day. besides all these "good stuff," there are some gliches here and there. gliches in certain episodes of my week, where when i look back and think it through, i can't see where and how it came about. sometimes, i want things back to how it was before, to a certain place and time. but then, i quickly come to a realization that i can't be living in the past. what's done is done and all i have left to do is: to live for the present and hope for the future.
God has really been stretching me this year. i am able to get a small sense of what His heart is. i'm still learning to love Him more through His word and through the communion of prayer. but it's hard. i'm trying and yes, prayer does indeed work.