here's a praise:
my grandma is healed. hallelujah for that- literally, praise and thank the Lord.

note to self #1:
this life is not about me, nor has it been or ever will be.
this translates into->me stop worrying or getting frustrated over things because you only live once. that's it.
live life giving it up to God. FORREALS.

note to self #2:
i'm so weak in so many ways, but i try to hide it. i try to present myself as being strong? why? why isn't it easy for me to break down? or is it that i've strengthened my pain threshold?

note to self #3:
when i dance, i'm in another world. i like it a lot.

note to self #4:
i need to be more bold.

note to self #5:
i want to live somewhere there is sun. sun makes everything brighter.

thanks God for a wonderful day even though on the inside i wanted to scream. but, i knew You were still beside me.
my world is being rocked over RIGHT now. and it does NOT feel too good.

edit:
note to self #6:
no matter how hard you give to something or someone, it might not be reciprocated all the time. but, love is still around. you can't expect too much because much might not be given back. literally, the one thing that's always constant and who'll always get your back=God. words from others are so weightless compared to that of Christ, right? right.

pulled from underneath

Isn't it all great and dandy when everything goes the way you want it to?
Isn't it all smooth sailing when the things you've planned for the future is heading towards the right direction?
Isn't life all perfect and wonderful when nothing bad happens?
Don't you just love God when everything's good?

But.

What happens when everything comes tumbling down? When the empire you've built for yourself begins to crumble, piece by piece? And you're just left to watch every bit of what you thought defined who you were, come falling down. What do you do? What are you left to do?

I consider myself someone who goes with the flow. Someone who doesn't really attach herself to anything for too long for all these earthly things comes and goes. Lately, though, I have come to realize how much of a hoarder I am. A hoarder in EVERY aspect of my life. And when God slowly and painstakingly begins to unfold my fingers- it hurts. Each finger's loss of control of my life leaves me in a whirlwind of confusion and doubt. And then, I realize how much faith I lacked in God, and no matter how much I don't want to admit it, I was the one who was in control of my life.

So, get to the point? I'm in that whirlwind of confusion. I'm in that murky chamber of doubt. I see how wretched and selfish I was, and how my sins like Ezra put it, are "higher than my head and my guilt has reached to the heavens." Yes, "though we are slaves, our God has not deserted us in our bondage," but I don't know if I can come to fully believing in that just yet. I know, though, deep inside that God is faithful. I know that He'll pull me through. I know He knows what's best for me. But when times are tough and when you lose grip on what's real and tangible, it's hard to say it wholeheartedly.

I'm literally pulled from underneath and I just momentarily lost my sight and feel for everything. I'm blind for now.

I need to re-evaluate, re-commit, and re-start.


_Something funny I came across after finishing this blog: I went to drink my Nantucket Nectars juice, and just like Snapple, the cap has little blurbs written on it. I come across it and read: "March on Nantucket is affectionately called 'Hate Month' after enduring winter on the island."
Laugh out loud, that was quite ironic and funny. Thanks, G.

a thought

friendship:
1. the emotions or conduct of friends; the states of being friends
-a state of mutual trust and support

Friendship is a very intriguing concept to understand. Two complete strangers from two different worlds coming together. Two complete and different worlds being joined by this tie that we call friendship. I've always cherished friendship and went about it with a "I got yo back" kind of mentality. But, through both solid and broken friendships, I am learning that this kind of mentality is not always reciprocated. I saw friendship intertwined with trust, support, and love. But, I guess not everyone feels that way. Either that, or is it that some people just don't care for friendship? I've been hurt and stabbed through broken friendships earlier in my life, but it didn't really bother me. I guess I just shrugged it off as us not knowing any better, we were too young, too naive, too foolish. I didn't really care or better yet, it didn't hurt me as much as it would now. But, as I re-evaluate the friendships I have now and all the friendships I've lost... I'm at such a bittersweet stance. Wouldn't/shoudln't people know better? Know more? Is it me who hasn't tried hard enough? Should I continue to put myself out there even though I just end up getting rejected? There's to a certain point, right? Or is there?

I guess all I can really do now is be thankful for the long-lasting, strong friendships I have now. Friendships that I am and will invest more into. Friendships I know that aren't superficial or based upon apathetic feelings. Friendships that are based upon trust and love and honesty. Friendships that are, for the lack of better words, keepin' it real. Legit.

I'm off to study for my exam now. This was a random blurb.