in grips

As I come to a grips of how great and awesome God is, I'm left in awe.
Every time I come close to thinking I know You, You return me to my place. Every time I draw close in doubting how You are real, You widen my eyes again. The times I walk further and further away, You run to reel me back again. Your perfection continues to break me in all of my imperfections. Countless times, I am to blame for piercing and re-piercing Your sides again. Despite the hurt and pain I inflict upon You, You love me no less for You have resurrected and conquered over my sins, their sins, our sins. Jesus, break me in my comfort, challenge me in my faith, and raise me in Your light. Help me to understand what it really means to be in the pain of hunger for You. Continue to break me, remold me, and humble me even in the face of my own pride and greed and selfishness.

Thinking is good for you,

so is reflecting. Two things I've been able to do more often. But sometimes, when you think too much about certain things, it can only bring you down more. I miss the days when I didn't have to worry about too much. I literally just trusted. But now, I don't know if I could confidently say those same words. I see myself folding inwards more, trying to find and hold onto the only piece of light available in the dimly lit concourses of my heart. To be frank, I've been feeling pretty downtrodden, discouraged, helpless, hopeless, out-of-sync, and just confused. How could I go from feeling so empowered and on fire to a mere flicker of light in a much darkened room. I'm left to wonder how I can pull myself through, how things will turn out, how it will all play out... Worried much you ask? Yes, I'm pretty damn worried. I'm pretty damn scared too. I don't even know of what. I'm just scared. I want to be back at home, in the arms of my mom. I want her to tell me that everything would be okay.
It's hard. It's hard having so much on your plate and not knowing where to start. It's hard trying to do your best, only to see everything flop in front of your face. It's hard to genuinely care for others, when on the inside you wish you can just scream. It's hard to keep reminding myself that God has got my back when I feel like they're just mere words. It's hard.

But regardless, I need to persevere. I can't fall into these lies.

it just is

here's to a new month, a new start of the day and week. it's amazing how fast everything is going by. i can't believe it's already february, my goodness.

although today is the start of a new month, it was also the end of a fasting i did with my church called the 21 days days of awakening fast, similar to that of the Daniel fast (fruits and veggies). fasting for the 21 days has been both a struggle and a blessing. it made me realize and appreciate God's realness and faithfulness. from here on out, there wouldn't be anything that would make me doubt God's presence in my life. nothing. He's proven His existence, His love, His patience with me too many times that i just can't go back to thinking He might be real. He IS real. i was reading over a passage in 2Kings yesterday, and felt like God was reaffirming the things i learned from this fast. it's found in 2Kings20:5b which reads, "I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you." even though there were times of much doubting because of so many prayers left unanswered and so many tears shed, God redeemed them all. all. now, i'm just left to proclaim how Jesus is really alive.

so here i am, pondering how i can remain in His presence and in His glory. i know the answer, but it's so easy for me to give in to myself and get selfish. i need to die, DIE TO MYSELF. oh gooooosh, it's easier said then done, ya? for seriously.
but, i've learned lessons in the mending, and i made it through just fine. so it's time to move on. never again, never again will i slip and fall so hard like that.

anyways, this week will be when the full-fledged ownage time will begin. deep breaths, deep breaths. hee hee hoo hee hee hoo~ crank that gear, fuel up, because we're going to pull through. everybody, let's dropkick this piece in the face yo.

btw, go steelers.