يسوع المسيح

Your perfection continues to break me in all my imperfections. I’m reminded more of this truth in my daily life now. There is nothing else left for me to do but to desperately fall at Your feet and ask You to fill in the gaps my heart so desperately wants to fill on its own. My heart is too stubborn. I can’t make it on my own, I can’t.

Letting go and letting God take control of every situation and every aspect of my life is so excruciating. As He unfolds every grip of my finger in my life, I am learning to breathe more freely. There already is victory, Helen, don’t forget about that.

check it out, if you have time.

holleration.tumblr.com

Meet: my brosef.
It's his birthday today.
Happy Birthday Oppa!

Meet: my popz.

So here is my dad wearing a stunning safari hat at Disney World, which was our first family summer vacation to Florida. I grew up with his annoying kisses on my cheeks and his endless declaration of love for me. I thought that would be the extent to our father-daughter relationship. I grew up not really seeing him for much of the day because of his working schedule. I regretted all those lost times we could have had used to build on our relationship. I grew more and more jealous when I saw my girl friends and their fathers playing together or going on dates because I didn't have that. I couldn't. I was bitter because I thought my dad didn't love me as much or enough to skip work for me. However, as I grew older, I got to see the depth of his love and care more. His love came through his hard work and sacrifice for the family. His love runs deeper than what I imagined a father-daughter relationship to be. It's more than the physical, tangible things that he can do for me, but the thought behind his work that touches my heart every time. Then I come to see a very small glimpse of what our Father's love can be. How much more His love runs if I think my own earthly dad's love is so much.

Happy Father's Day to the best, high quality men in my life: my dad, uncle, & aloha uncle. Have a good one guys! Hugs and kisses all around!

Meet: my kids.

(minus Jane, she's a whole other story)

Not my kids, but my Sunday school children. I first met them winter semester of my freshmen year. It's already coming close to 2 years since I've known them. I remember waking up every Sunday at 8am to set up for Building Blocks, that's what our church's children ministry is called, at Angell Hall Auditorium D. Mind you, this was still during the school year when midterms and papers were going on. But looking back, it was all worth the trouble, or should I say the blessing, to serve with these angel-brats. The beginning stages of me serving in this ministry team was hard. The kids tired me out too early in the morning and exhausted every ounce of fuel I had left in me needed for the service after Building Blocks- I passed out a lot during the sermon. It's extraordinary to observe and witness the growth in their lives. Not only the evident physical growth, but being able to walk along with them as they grow in their own spiritual walk with Christ. It's amazing. Through them, I've come to understand and never underestimate the extent of their knowledge in things in general, but more importantly their ability to comprehend our Lord. Being able to see them praise without any reservations and the rare stretching of their hands in worship to the Lord brings me to a silent awe. I'm coming to a clearer realization of why God wants us to draw close to Him with such a childlike faith.

renovation

so i've decided to bring a new flavor to the way i'll be blogging.
i'm going to try to photo blog and just, write.
this blog will be my place to: wonder, organize, question, release, ramble, admire, and so forth.

so for the past few weeks, i've been feeling pretty- useless. i feel like my days are filled with bunch of nothings. me waking up, eating, going to work, coming back home, eating, watching tv, sleep. i've been getting so lazy and undisciplined. this is bad news bears.

therefore, i have some goals for my spring/summer of 09:
-read books
-finishing the OT by the end of this summer
-wake up everyday by 9am (or around that time)
-exercise more
-meet up with someone new every other week
-get a heads up in studying for the DATs @ least 3 times a week

okay, i got this. holla.

Dear Jesus,

What an amazing and crazy year it has been. Sophomore year was a roller coaster of many twists and turns and many unexpected surprises. This year was one of my harder and dryer seasons of my life. I came in the fall excited to start the school year with new expectations and goals, yet those feelings were quickly stifled by one situation by another. I found myself getting bitter and darkened with feelings of loneliness. After struggling and going through many rounds of tug-of-war, I find myself here so satisfied in Your love once again. You never forsook the tears that I shed and the prayers I lifted up. Thank you for a beautiful, beautiful year. A year of brokenness and rebuilding. A year of learning to trust and obey. A year of getting to know who I am in Christ and who You are to me because of Christ.

How much more... real You are to me than You were just a year ago. Seeing how You've been so graciously faithful and loving, I can't come close in imagining what You have planned for me this coming year.

Love Your daughter,
Helen Kim

I am so out of shape

in so many ways. Today was my first day of YSTA and it was intensely brutal. My legs ended feeling like jello and useless piece of logs stuck to my body. Nonetheless, the struggle was worth every sweat, every muscle spasm, every ache of my body. It was fun watching other people do the exercise regime with me. I had other instances to laugh at my fellow members too. Today's leg and abs exercises were too funny. We did these frog-jumps and scissor-leg-lifts that were so funny looking. I think I got more of a workout laughing.

This spring has already been a whirlwind of many new things and I am, also, so out of shape in going about dealing or doing certain things.
-I've started my new position in the Grad Perio dental clinic as an assisant for surgery. I assisted for the first time today, and surprisingly I didn't pass out. My nervousness was quickly melted away by the fascinating techniques and procedures done on teeth implants. Absolutely fascinating.
-I'm living in a 2 bedroom apartment with 5 other girls. Yes, 6 girls in one apartment. Seems like we would have much drama, but it's absolutely chill. It's fun waking up to these 5 beautiful sisters who can have fun time and fart shamelessly. Ah yes, this is the uncut, raw and real life story of spring term living on 1010 Catherine St, Apt #401.
-I'm becoming more aware of God's realness more and more each and every day. I need to live an applicable life in Christ and learn to trust that God will make things happen. God needs to be orchestrating my life because it ain't mine to control.

Okay, my body's starting to ache a bit and I'm tired of writing. Goodnight!

To the ladies of my family- grandma, mom, ny aunt, & aloha aunt:

Happy Mother's Day to you all!

Thank you for being the strong women I know you all to be. Women who no matter what time of day would do anything for their husband and children, women who no matter how busy they are will drop anything to care for their family, women who would endure discomfort for the comfort of their families... You continue to inspire me to become the women of patience, love, wisdom, strength, and sacrifice. Each of you have played a significant role in shaping and molding the person I am today. I am continuously learning and in constant awe of the strength you display in your everyday living. I pray and hope for another wonderful and healthy year for you all. I only hope that I can grow to become at least half the woman as you all are. Thanks for being there, loving me, and putting up with my rants and complaints. I know I may not been the best granddaughter, daughter, and even niece, but you guys know I love you all from the bottom of my heart, right? Right. God bless you guys, peace and love everywhere!

I love and miss you,
Helen

School is over and spring is in the air.

This year has been a roller coaster ride of events and the emotions to accompany it. It was something, I tell ya. Studying this semester for finals were a dread. I don't think I've ever felt so "dragged" to study before. I thought I lost my motivation and fervor for things, but God comes in again to hit me on my head. This life is not my own.

So looking back on this year, I have prospective changes for the next. Let's get my act together and do it right. Study hard and play hard and pray hard. Don't mess this up again, Helen.

On the funnier, lighter note:
So yesterday, I was finalizing my plans to go back to Ann Arbor a few days earlier to take my optional final exam on Wednesday. So, I changed my original flight to go back from Friday to Wednesday. But, lo and behold, I find out that my final exam was actually... today! I spent money to change a flight to spend less time with my family. Hip hip hooray!
And, on top of that, my orgo 2 grades came out. Another, hip hip hooray moment.
+a bunch of other stressful stuff.

Buttttttttt amidst these things, I'm still joyful because God redeems all things. And He already is redeeming. So Hallelujah, Lock and Load!

a thousand words in one

Awesome picture, huh? I came across this photo on the New York Times. It was an article about the first dog, a cute Portuguese water dog given as a gift from Senator Edward M. Kennedy and his family. The dog's name is Bo.

I don't know why, but this picture means so much more to me than just a photo of our president running alongside with his dog. There are so many layers- I see aspects of fatherhood, leadership, love, and just another reminder that he's just as "normal and regular" as you and me.

This dog signifies the love of a father for his daughters as he fulfills a promise he made to them- that they would get their first pet if he were to win the presidential election. And, so he did. But this photo means so much deeper than that. Beyond his presidential role, it shows his new found role as a father to his dog. Every time I look at it, I can only equate it with images of a father running alongside with his daughter. A picture I haven't seen all too much in my own life. Yet, I appreciate and love my own father for the effort and time he put in to working those long hours just to put food on our table, to put clothes on our backs, to send my brother and I to college, and to provide a comfortable life for my family to the best of his abilities. Images of him working so hard in the back of the store, to the point where his back is so sore and his hands overworked, flash into my mind countless times. All I can say is: yes, my dad is pretty freaking awesome. That's when I look back and condemn myself for being such a brat, greedy, good-for-nothing daughter, but just like my Father's love for me, I know my dad still loves me unconditionally despite my selfish ways. If only he understood the extent to which God is extending out His hands of love to him as well...

You alone

For 19 years of my life, I've grown up with the Christian culture: Jesus being the Son of God and dying for our sins and coming back to life, but I never saw it as an event worth celebrating so hard and with so much gratitude for. I never really understood the depth and the meaning behind the cross and what it symbolized, what Christ did for us. But, I see why now. I see why Easter is the most pivotal event of the year for Christians. I see how the Gospel is being actualized through the cross-both death and Resurrection. I see why we're called to evangelize, why people are on fire to spread the Gospel once it has been made clearly to them. If you have something so great and so precious, wouldn't you want to share it? If you had the best news ever, wouldn't you want to share it with just about everyone you see? Yes.

He came as King, but made himself a servant. He went lower than a servant, He became a servant's servant. A servant to such dirty, wicked, and worthless people. Who does that? Instead of rightfully owning up to His title and throne, He CHOSE to dethrone Himself. When do you ever see that? He could've lived comfortably, but He didn't. He chose to live just to die for me, for you, for us and He does it over and over again every day because He loves us and because we fail to obey and sin.

Thank you for the cross and the precious blood that stains it.
______________________________________

"My greatest joy is within Your presence
Where the love You gave saved me
And my most treasured times are in the stillness
Where Your loving arms hold me

Cause You're all I want
You are all I search for
It is You I've always longed for"

Sometimes, I wish melodies had words.

Looking back

What is it about looking back at pictures that tend to spark a part of our brain to recollect and remember everything from the moment that photo was taken. What is it about that particular moment locked in time that brings us back to the exact time, place, and even the emotions we were feeling. What is this affect about photos?

Isn't it intriguing and so spectacular that every momentous event in our lives are not only written down through books, or engraved in our memory, but it's frozen unto a piece of paper. So what's the point of me writing this? I was looking through some albums I posted up on facebook: albums of my first-ever family vacation to Florida, my trip to India, freshmen year, prom, and so on. Flipping through each picture sparked many new yet nostalgic feelings. Ah, the good times eh? Yes, the good times.

So here are my top pics of today's session:






















Thought I'd throw him in there too, he's pretty awesome:

and so is he:

It's been awhile

since I've written in here. It's been awhile since I've done a lot of things actually. If I were to begin listing them, I think I'd be digging myself a self-pity ditch.

Anyways, days and weeks have been flying by and when I try to reflect back on what's been happening, it all seems like a blur. I'm in total shock to know that today is April 1st. April!? It's already the fourth month of this year. Insane to think that this semester is drawing to its sweet, sweet end in just 21 days. It's an exhilaration to know that spring's time to officially and forcefully blossom will begin this month (hopefully). It's exciting to wait for those consistent-60-degree-weather-with-people-sitting-out-on-the-diag's-grass-just-chillen days. It's honoring to know that in less than two weeks, we'll be celebrating Christ' resurrection- it's going to be a party. Indeed, this month is a collection of many celebrations for many wonderful things.

So for the past whatever weeks since I've written in here, has been a roller coaster of many events and emotions. I guess all in all, I'm coming to a point where I've realized many things about myself that I have to work on, pronto. This whole time, I've been displacing these "flaws" of mine unto other people, meanwhile it was me the whole time. The biggest thing I'm learning is that I need to love God more and love His people more. Everything pretty much stems out from there. Love His people more.. man, it's so hard when you finally find out that the humanly love you've been passing by on to love others finally runs out. It's no pretty site, and I can testify. I guess it's because I've been struggling to re-evaluate many aspects of my life, and one of them includes the relationships I have and the type of relationships I hold with others. How do you know that your friend is truly your friend? How do you know if their intentions are right? Am I expecting too much from people? Do I weigh friendship more than others usually do? Do I give in more to the relationship than I'm supposed to? I guess these are some questions we can all think about...
Either way, I gotta just Love, Love, Love!


Okay, well that's it for now. I'm off to study for my orgo exam. I need to pass, please.

here's a praise:
my grandma is healed. hallelujah for that- literally, praise and thank the Lord.

note to self #1:
this life is not about me, nor has it been or ever will be.
this translates into->me stop worrying or getting frustrated over things because you only live once. that's it.
live life giving it up to God. FORREALS.

note to self #2:
i'm so weak in so many ways, but i try to hide it. i try to present myself as being strong? why? why isn't it easy for me to break down? or is it that i've strengthened my pain threshold?

note to self #3:
when i dance, i'm in another world. i like it a lot.

note to self #4:
i need to be more bold.

note to self #5:
i want to live somewhere there is sun. sun makes everything brighter.

thanks God for a wonderful day even though on the inside i wanted to scream. but, i knew You were still beside me.
my world is being rocked over RIGHT now. and it does NOT feel too good.

edit:
note to self #6:
no matter how hard you give to something or someone, it might not be reciprocated all the time. but, love is still around. you can't expect too much because much might not be given back. literally, the one thing that's always constant and who'll always get your back=God. words from others are so weightless compared to that of Christ, right? right.

pulled from underneath

Isn't it all great and dandy when everything goes the way you want it to?
Isn't it all smooth sailing when the things you've planned for the future is heading towards the right direction?
Isn't life all perfect and wonderful when nothing bad happens?
Don't you just love God when everything's good?

But.

What happens when everything comes tumbling down? When the empire you've built for yourself begins to crumble, piece by piece? And you're just left to watch every bit of what you thought defined who you were, come falling down. What do you do? What are you left to do?

I consider myself someone who goes with the flow. Someone who doesn't really attach herself to anything for too long for all these earthly things comes and goes. Lately, though, I have come to realize how much of a hoarder I am. A hoarder in EVERY aspect of my life. And when God slowly and painstakingly begins to unfold my fingers- it hurts. Each finger's loss of control of my life leaves me in a whirlwind of confusion and doubt. And then, I realize how much faith I lacked in God, and no matter how much I don't want to admit it, I was the one who was in control of my life.

So, get to the point? I'm in that whirlwind of confusion. I'm in that murky chamber of doubt. I see how wretched and selfish I was, and how my sins like Ezra put it, are "higher than my head and my guilt has reached to the heavens." Yes, "though we are slaves, our God has not deserted us in our bondage," but I don't know if I can come to fully believing in that just yet. I know, though, deep inside that God is faithful. I know that He'll pull me through. I know He knows what's best for me. But when times are tough and when you lose grip on what's real and tangible, it's hard to say it wholeheartedly.

I'm literally pulled from underneath and I just momentarily lost my sight and feel for everything. I'm blind for now.

I need to re-evaluate, re-commit, and re-start.


_Something funny I came across after finishing this blog: I went to drink my Nantucket Nectars juice, and just like Snapple, the cap has little blurbs written on it. I come across it and read: "March on Nantucket is affectionately called 'Hate Month' after enduring winter on the island."
Laugh out loud, that was quite ironic and funny. Thanks, G.

a thought

friendship:
1. the emotions or conduct of friends; the states of being friends
-a state of mutual trust and support

Friendship is a very intriguing concept to understand. Two complete strangers from two different worlds coming together. Two complete and different worlds being joined by this tie that we call friendship. I've always cherished friendship and went about it with a "I got yo back" kind of mentality. But, through both solid and broken friendships, I am learning that this kind of mentality is not always reciprocated. I saw friendship intertwined with trust, support, and love. But, I guess not everyone feels that way. Either that, or is it that some people just don't care for friendship? I've been hurt and stabbed through broken friendships earlier in my life, but it didn't really bother me. I guess I just shrugged it off as us not knowing any better, we were too young, too naive, too foolish. I didn't really care or better yet, it didn't hurt me as much as it would now. But, as I re-evaluate the friendships I have now and all the friendships I've lost... I'm at such a bittersweet stance. Wouldn't/shoudln't people know better? Know more? Is it me who hasn't tried hard enough? Should I continue to put myself out there even though I just end up getting rejected? There's to a certain point, right? Or is there?

I guess all I can really do now is be thankful for the long-lasting, strong friendships I have now. Friendships that I am and will invest more into. Friendships I know that aren't superficial or based upon apathetic feelings. Friendships that are based upon trust and love and honesty. Friendships that are, for the lack of better words, keepin' it real. Legit.

I'm off to study for my exam now. This was a random blurb.

in grips

As I come to a grips of how great and awesome God is, I'm left in awe.
Every time I come close to thinking I know You, You return me to my place. Every time I draw close in doubting how You are real, You widen my eyes again. The times I walk further and further away, You run to reel me back again. Your perfection continues to break me in all of my imperfections. Countless times, I am to blame for piercing and re-piercing Your sides again. Despite the hurt and pain I inflict upon You, You love me no less for You have resurrected and conquered over my sins, their sins, our sins. Jesus, break me in my comfort, challenge me in my faith, and raise me in Your light. Help me to understand what it really means to be in the pain of hunger for You. Continue to break me, remold me, and humble me even in the face of my own pride and greed and selfishness.

Thinking is good for you,

so is reflecting. Two things I've been able to do more often. But sometimes, when you think too much about certain things, it can only bring you down more. I miss the days when I didn't have to worry about too much. I literally just trusted. But now, I don't know if I could confidently say those same words. I see myself folding inwards more, trying to find and hold onto the only piece of light available in the dimly lit concourses of my heart. To be frank, I've been feeling pretty downtrodden, discouraged, helpless, hopeless, out-of-sync, and just confused. How could I go from feeling so empowered and on fire to a mere flicker of light in a much darkened room. I'm left to wonder how I can pull myself through, how things will turn out, how it will all play out... Worried much you ask? Yes, I'm pretty damn worried. I'm pretty damn scared too. I don't even know of what. I'm just scared. I want to be back at home, in the arms of my mom. I want her to tell me that everything would be okay.
It's hard. It's hard having so much on your plate and not knowing where to start. It's hard trying to do your best, only to see everything flop in front of your face. It's hard to genuinely care for others, when on the inside you wish you can just scream. It's hard to keep reminding myself that God has got my back when I feel like they're just mere words. It's hard.

But regardless, I need to persevere. I can't fall into these lies.

it just is

here's to a new month, a new start of the day and week. it's amazing how fast everything is going by. i can't believe it's already february, my goodness.

although today is the start of a new month, it was also the end of a fasting i did with my church called the 21 days days of awakening fast, similar to that of the Daniel fast (fruits and veggies). fasting for the 21 days has been both a struggle and a blessing. it made me realize and appreciate God's realness and faithfulness. from here on out, there wouldn't be anything that would make me doubt God's presence in my life. nothing. He's proven His existence, His love, His patience with me too many times that i just can't go back to thinking He might be real. He IS real. i was reading over a passage in 2Kings yesterday, and felt like God was reaffirming the things i learned from this fast. it's found in 2Kings20:5b which reads, "I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you." even though there were times of much doubting because of so many prayers left unanswered and so many tears shed, God redeemed them all. all. now, i'm just left to proclaim how Jesus is really alive.

so here i am, pondering how i can remain in His presence and in His glory. i know the answer, but it's so easy for me to give in to myself and get selfish. i need to die, DIE TO MYSELF. oh gooooosh, it's easier said then done, ya? for seriously.
but, i've learned lessons in the mending, and i made it through just fine. so it's time to move on. never again, never again will i slip and fall so hard like that.

anyways, this week will be when the full-fledged ownage time will begin. deep breaths, deep breaths. hee hee hoo hee hee hoo~ crank that gear, fuel up, because we're going to pull through. everybody, let's dropkick this piece in the face yo.

btw, go steelers.

it's just one of those days

i wish i could be back home next to my mom.
i wish i knew what i was doing in orgo.
i wish i could fast forward time.
i wish i knew where i was going.
i wish i was more disciplined.
i wish i was more consistent.
i wish i were someone else.
i wish i was bolder.
i wish i could edit my past.
i wish i didn't give in too easily.
i wish i didn't care too much.
i wish i was stronger.
i wish i could just, live.

it's so intriguing how things from the past dictate what we become in the future.
there's so many things I wish to do, wish to see, wish to become. how selfish of me.

could you ever love this bastard child?
yes, He does. He does.
time and time again, i continue to spear You but nevertheless, You stay beside me.
i'm so messed up, for seriously.

it's just one of those days.
butttttt, moving on.